Compromises.

 

 

As I sat on my father’s new lazy boy mindlessly flipping through channels of garbage on my TV screen, I thought back over this past semester and how great it felt to be home doing abso-tootely nothing.

I remember counting down the days before I would make the 20 hour drive back to the Ocean State, and how I was looking forward to laying on our sandy beaches, catching up with friends, bullying my brother and annoying my parents. I can honestly say that proved to be a difficult task, seeing how “a watched pot never boils”, and I found myself aimlessly searching for any and everything else to do rather than the work I was supposed to be doing.

You know… like when I decided it was time to start working on my 12-page research paper after watching 5 episodes of Martin, and immediately made the executive decision that it was more necessary for me to cut up some grapefruit and get it in my belly before writing my paper. Pshht. How did anyone expect me to even THINK about writing my research paper when there was a juicy, luscious, delectable grapefruit waiting for me in the kitchen?

And after finishing the grapefruit, I most definitely had to reward myself for all of the work I had accomplished by listening to some Anita Baker and Lianne La Havas. Watching TV shows and eating fruit are truly strenuous activities that have been proven to be seriously draining.

But..

My heart sank when I peeped my little radio clock.

It was 10:59… PM.. and my paper was due at, oh *coughs* 11am.

Oh, not to worry, I’ll just-

*Skype call*

Oh. This call was important. Turns out my best friend was going through some pret-ty heavy guy troubles. So it was up to me to shift into heroic best friend mode and save the night.

…

What a lengthy introduction. I shall now get to the meat.

What you’ve just read could, on the surface, be perceived as procrastination. But I prefer to view them as compromises. Throughout this academic year (and those passed as well), I found myself making entirely too many compromises that were hindering my achievement and success in the very things that were required of me. I knew that to become a competent and useful member of service to my society, of course it was necessary to complete my academic work and to do it well, just like everything else that is of value in this life. But I was letting entirely too many things photobomb the picture of achievement that I believe God set me on the path towards.

This was not only in the academic sense, but in the intimate details of the fabric of this old quilt, called my life. I saw that through compromises that I made through the “little things” in my life, I was conditioning myself to compromise in the bigger, more private aspects of my existence, namely on the relational level.

Let me explain.

Instead of studying for my exam, I would spend more time socializing with my friends. Instead of creating scaffolds for my presentations, I would rather take a spontaneous trip to an undisclosed location and allow my over analytical mind run rampant through the clutter of worry plaguing my frontal lobe. I would let my thoughts toy through bins of film reels containing old strategies in the pursuit of bliss, and pray through lists of my greatest fears, and turn over the meaning of love through my mind only to end up at the meaning of grace, and how unworthy I was to receive it.

As the suns rays caressed the soft blues and made way for satiny scarlet and flushed coral, I realized that I had been losing chunks of my personality, and that the essence of Aldavina was being chipped away to reveal one who was slowly caving into the ideas of external sources. As one who had become weak enough to allow her being to dissipate from pores that had become permeable and malleable by people who didn’t really know her well enough to understand the extent to which their eight letter phrase was blockaded by the Great Wall off Alda.

I found myself removing the silky shawl of my morals, values and beliefs and exposing myself to the abrasive elements of the awaiting climate of intimate bleakness.

Shortly before I could completely disrobe myself of everything I knew Aldavina to be, I was awakened from my trance by the concept of grace, and experienced how it came through to put together that which had been dismantled, and instill within me the beauty of hope.

Now, many people reading this will probably not completely understand the full extent of what I have just revealed here. But I will leave you with this-

It is better to emit color by preserving ones morals in the face of hostile spectators, than it is to lose oneself by compromising to fit into anyone else’s fancifully constructed silhouette of how you should be.

 

Stay groovy, Kcep Kickin’

-Alda.

Future Tense.

Future Tense.

 

Scores and scores

Of immeasurable pain

Have graced the canvass

of my existence.

 

Adversity and deleterious recalls

spew forth

From my acquired synthetic,

feminist mane.

 

I do not know what it takes

to fertilize A potential

neonatal affection,

But I desire that Yahweh sees fit to birth-

An inseparable, attainable connection,

That’ll erase my venomous recollection,

And unveil the scarlet curtains of protection,

And in the understanding of my heavenly election,

Putting away the past misconception

That I’ve held towards all men.

 

Through my identity in the Most High,

I have been initiated into the laboratory

Of the beginning stages of what it is to love.

Of what it is to relinquish embedded pride-

And yield to the opposing tide

That desires to encompass around my every side

That I may be strengthened by God to be able to abide

In Him.

 

The flaming adversary within me

generated by my own self,

will only then be crushed

and make way for vulnerability.

And peace,

And bliss,

And inestimable joy

And will then be able to round the sharp edges of my being,

Encasing my priceless gift

In a precious vessel of beryl emerald,

Sealed with divine light,

Only to be exposed by the one who desires closeness with Elohim.

 

 

And though the journey be long,

And the sands of time fade,

May Yahweh’s love abound

unhindered by self indulgence,

and fleshly desires,

societal pressures,

and unabashed liars.

 

Stay Groovy. Keep Kickin’

-Alda.

‘Tis the Season to Be… In Love?

Aha. Here come the warm weather, and here come the Burlesque Balloon Women eager to show off their skin. Get ready single men, it may be a long, frustrating, sensually provocative summer.

Everywhere you go, there is a reoccurring theme of what?

-Love.

In every movie there is a damsel in distress awaiting her salvation from the hands of an evil man who really has too much time on his hands, and way too much energy to go out of his way to kidnap people and make everything so much more difficult for everyone else. =_= . Take Fast and Furious 6, for example (which I watched last night in a crowded theatre in Providence along with about 1.2 billion steamy people). I won’t say too much for the people who haven’t watched it yet, but here we can see homeboy’s girl, who he thought was dead, resurface who knows where, and sexy (and a bit too bulky) Dwayne Johnson SEARCHIN for hot tamale Vin Diesel to get him to help a brotha out. This propels sir hot tamale into a state of action. Had homegirl not been involved, he would have gladly declined the mission. And so would his friends.

So what was the point of that seemingly lengthy tangent? Well. I said that to say this- I went to watch this movie and it was about

-Love.

I walked out of the theatre and I saw couples blissfully sauntering away in:

-Love.

 I turned on pandora in my car and the first song that came on was about- love. I came home and the first thing that I thought about was -you guessed it-love. 

So, if you’re single, like me, and all you see around you is cotton candy, love bugs, and cupids, you may not necessarily feel the love yourself. All you can do is see it from the outside standpoint of a foreigner.

That’s not to say that we haven’t “been in” or “experienced” love. Which we might have. But too often than not, in today’s society, because of our insecurities, impatience, or even involuntary acceptance of a partner, we have brought ourselves to a state of confusion when it comes to this word, love. How do I know this? Well. Take a look at the current divorce rates- which I’m sure has to probably be a little over 50% by now.

In our generation, we have made the difference between love and lust indistinguishable. I really want to gear this post more towards our women today. I’m talking about real love, which is ONLY recognizable when we see our place in relation to God’s Magnificence. 

True Love: Welp. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am currently not ready for a relationship. Why? Because I have not truly grasped the essence of what True Love actually is. But I have gotten to the point where I have learned that  in order to recognize True Love, I have to FIRST understand God’s love towards me, that way I will not only be able to identify that love reflected by someone else, but be able to reciprocate it as well.

Once we understand the true sacricificial meaning of what love is, then we can put ourselves in a place where we are one smidge closer to where God needs us to be in preparing us for interconnectedness with one another. That being said, we need to pause, right now, and evaluate our places. Are you a slave to lust? Pull yourself away from the hustle and bustle of society and REALLY think about this right now. Are your actions in tune with that of a woman (or man, for the men reading this) who has finally been brought to a place of spiritual awareness? Hmm. Here’s a simple test to figure that out.

Alright this is what you do- Stand up. Close your eyes. Place your hands on your hips. Then ask yourself: Is God enough?

Aha. Here’s where many of us fail this test. And here is where I failed the test every time I got into a relationship because I never believed that God was enough. Many of us females think that we need men to validate us, or that being in a relationship will somehow flick us back up a point value system adopted by nonfactor judges. Many of us are searching for our “other halves” when #1- Eve never searched for Adam, but was brought/led to Him by God, and #2- Who said we are missing a whole HALF of ourselves? Shoot, that other “Half” better be the character of Jesus! Haha ok but no, in all honesty, I believe that we are not to look to others for definition, but merely for the purpose of complimenting our lives. Eve complimented Adam. She was sent to be his “helpmeet”, not “helpmeat”. (See what I did there?)

And then we have the issue of women seeking to be in relationships simply for the “glitz and glamour” of what they expect it to be. They want to get with the best looking guy who plays hard to get but in reality, doesn’t even value the woman. We’re addicted to the chase. We feel entitled to get what we want- even though it might not be the best thing for us. Every woman, whether they admit it or not, likes a good challenge. The rush of the experience brings us to a feeling of euphoria, which stimulates our endurance for the pursuit. But when our endurance declines, reality sets in.

If we spent more time looking within ourselves and truly asking Yahweh to reveal the things within us that need to be tweaked, then we might increase our chances for happiness through the power of discernment. A closer relationship with God comes with greater wisdom. Had we learned this a long time ago, we would have been able to evade a lot of unfavorable experiences we have found ourselves enduring  in the past. But you know. Everyone is into the whole “well, let me learn from my mistakes” when true wisdom lies not only in learning from your own, but evading those mistakes and cutting straight to the lesson though the observation of the mistakes of others. 

Think of it this way. What sense does it make for us to spend our time, energy, effort and resources to figure out how to make a lightbulb, when it has already been invented? What we should be spending time on is learning various ways that we can improve the quality of that bulb. 

So this post is turning out a long longer than I wanted it to. The last thing I want to say is this- Ladies? Don’t be blinded by the superficial face value of what a relationship is- i.e. cuddling, physical intimacy, kissing, some more physical intimacy and playing Bonnie and Clyde with your boyfriend. Work on developing something long lasting, and of higher value that will guarantee your happiness in your not too distant future. Have patience. Relax, focus on achieving your immediate goals, and remember, God IS enough. Focus on Him, and all good things will surely follow.

First day of Summer: Friday, June 21st, 2013

Stay Groovy, Keep Kickin’
-Alda.

(Initial post written: May 26, 2013)

Puppetry.

 

I’ve been having some pretty unsettling thoughts as of lately. But in the midst of these thoughts, I took the time to reflect on my short lived life and draw some conclusions about myself.

I decided to keep it real.

I’m studying in the field of education, so, naturally, you’d expect that I would like to pursue a career as a teacher, or something of the sort. But when I ponder this decision, I realize that my zest for life and this potential career option do not line up. Maybe they do, but for now, all I can say is- I probably wouldn’t like to be a teacher. Don’t get me wrong, I love teaching, I do. But I believe that teaching and education stretch far beyond four classroom walls. I know I’ve been called to teach, but in what capacity, I do not know… yet.

But this realization came from a couple of things. I believe that we should always be honest with ourselves, and call things out for what they are. Our outward productions of character should never mirror other people’s expectations of us, regarding the determination of our career choices.

Long story short, I’ve been living for other people. I’ve been reading the blueprint of my life through a conformist’s societal lens. When I think about where this career path may lead me, for some reason, I feel as if I’m following the course of a lifestyle that is rather monotonous and laden with the shoe prints of those who’ve taken the same route.

I want to ‘travel the road less travelled by’. I want to be the first to enter into a dense, wild and heavily populated land laden with pristine vegetation and undefiled sources of hydration.

I do not want to step comfortably in line with the masses. I do not want to adhere to external expectations based off of the guidelines established by someone who lived eons before I did. 

I want to live a life of creativity. Of travel. Of seeking pleasure in the spectacular mysteries of life. Of living simply. Of touching the minds, hearts and souls of those around me. I want to be the one that pursues active change, rather than being the kind of person who simply says things because they sound good. I do not want to be bound by the shackles of someone else.

 I do not want to live for other people. I want to live for other people.

I don’t want to serve other people, I want to serve other people.

 

Sounds crazy, huh. What I’m saying is this. I never want to live my life feeling as though I have to abide by someone else’s measuring stick. I refuse to accept the impossible task of incorporating what every else feels like I should be doing into my every day life. I should be able to wake up and have the freedom to creatively decide how I am going to be of service to other people, and not worry about how I will be able to please everyone else. I don’t want to fear rejection by anyone simply because of the choices that I have decided to make regarding what I, Aldavina Dos Santos, will be doing for the rest of my life. 

I don’t want to live for other people. I want my life to reflect a life lived for the purposes of assisting others in areas of their greatest need, and there is a major difference. Living under the jurisdiction of other people can be crippling to our character and potential, and that isn’t something I’m too fond of experiencing.

My passion is in the service of other people- not trying to perform required duties like a voice commanded robot.

In conclusion, the only Boss I ever want to have is the only One who actually created every fiber of my being, and who knows me better than I could ever know myself . One who’s life I can pattern mine after in order to understand what a life lived in the service of others actually entails. I have chosen Him as my standard, and I know that I will be able to achieve exponentially beyond any plan I could ever conjure up in my teensy weensy mind. I’ll let Christ be my Boss, and I shall progress from here. But until then, I guess I’ll finish up my current course of study, because that’s what society tells me to do.

Stay groovy, Keep Kickin’

-Alda.

Counterfeit Elites.

 

A disturbance in one’s soul can be easily detected through lackluster efforts in daily activity.

            Guilty.

As of lately, I’ve been seeking the solution to why I’ve been lacking motivation, determination, ambition, and most importantly, vision. But as I reflected on events that took place today, I think I can safely come to an understanding of why that could possibly be. 

I’ve unknowingly placed myself in a complex, irrationally disproportionate “reality”. I’ve literally created a distorted world for myself, where I view everything through the lenses of external individualized standards. Now, what’s that supposed to mean?

Well. It means that I’ve chosen to take a most precarious route whilst here on this sphere of habitation.

Essentially what I’ve managed to do is live each day according to the standards that I think others want me to live by. Whether we know it or not, every interaction we have with those around us can either positively or negatively affect the decisions we make. So somehow, I’ve decided to magically come up with the brightest and most unprecedented plan of all time. I’ve eliminated my own sense of input filter processing, and left the decision-making hemisphere of my mind in what I like to call “connective handicap”. 

Symptoms : Not being able to make decisions without the input of others. Fickleness. Distorted, irrational reality. Easily swayed. Unsure of personal standards. Unsure of belief system. Living for the approval of others. Caring about what the world has to say about you. Questioning God’s plan in your life just because someone else told you it didn’t make sense. Abandoning spiritual duties because you think it’s a good idea to compare your calling with someone else’s. 

And the list could continue for eons and eons. 

But I’m only 20. Good thing I caught it now rather than at the moment I find myself in a white Grecian styled wedding dress, walking down the isle to marry a man who everyone else thinks I should marry… but who I’ve never loved…

I’m sure I’m not the only one who is guilty of allowing the gradual pervasive nature of society’s unrealistic expectations to infiltrate its way into the functionalities of daily living.

Stop living for other people. Take what people say with two grains of salt and a dash of ground up jalapeños. This doesn’t mean that you run on ahead and bask in ignorance- it just means that you’ve gotta wake up and realize that God gave you a mind of your own. At the beginning of the night, you have a personal relationship with a God who takes a unique interest in you. And quite frankly, your salvation does NOT lie in fulfilling the desires of others. 

Stop being afraid to speak up. Stop changing what you say or believe in because someone else may not necessarily agree with it. Live for God, not for the imposing foolishness and unrealistic expectations projected by the mouths of people who can’t even facilitate their own doggone lives. 

You know, that’s a very interesting point. People have a hard time living their life by their own standards, but then think it is okay to judge other people by these individual, invisible and unreachable standards.

So yeah. I kind of got myself in a bit of a rut. But thank God for the clarity of mind to be able to realize this sooner rather than when I’m old, useless and sitting in a one legged rocking chair trying to figure out why the events of my life led me to live in a shack with 20 ugly cats, all of which I’m allergic to.

In conclusion? Adopt a selectively permeable membrane. God in. Counterfeits out.

Stay groovy, Keep Kickin’.

-Alda.

 

 

(October 12, 2013)

Ch/it/at

The natural progression of most of my conversations:

Small Talk. 
Jack Foolery. 
Abstract Subliminals. 
Meat. 
Adopted Knowledge.
Acquired Wisdom.

Small Talk: 
I vaguely remember a discussion I once had that began somewhere along the lines of the viewing of a vine, a couple of exchanges about children’s prayers during children’s story at church, and finally the topic of “friend zones”.

Jack Foolery: 
As the natural progression of most of my conversations would have it, this spiraled into another conversation where I vaguely remember typing in the lyrics to an old school rap song “stop.. drop.. shut em down open up shop”… and something about ninjas.

Abstract Subliminals:
The conversation somehow moved into the topic of not properly understanding that person (whom I was in dialogue with) due to insufficient amounts of proper communication and exchanges about the details of that person’s life. I was then accused of attributing complex qualities to a rather simple persona, and that I probably overanalyzed the entire character of the one who I was in conversation with.

Meat: 
The discourse then led into a full length discussion where I began  attempting to explain my premise of not trying to “figure people out”. I adopted this mentality from previous experiences accumulated over time. “Figuring” people out in the worldview of Madame Alda is congruent to a mentality infused with the idea of reading people as we would a mathematical equation- with the purposes of seeking a solution to a problem. Unbeknownst to me, this inevitably propelled me into “compulsive fixer/savior/mini-chick-with-a-cape mode. Upon explaining this sort of abstract reality in my mind, I then set forth another ideal that I live by-instead of trying to “figure” people out like I used to do, I simply (or not so simply) seek to “understand” people, for I believe that understanding breeds acceptance.

To which a thought provoking rebuttal was made that would refine my initial belief about interactions with other people.

“Acceptance breeds understanding”.

I immediately went into refutation mode, but instead of seeking to disprove the claim, I thought about the possibility of that being a valid argument..

To make a lengthy conversation shorter, common ground was found at one point, but by no means through easily transported vesicles of agreement. Understanding of both claims needed to be acquired, and the facilitation of knowledge acquisition slowly began to reshape the initial premise.

To give you a better understanding of the context of this conversation, it was dealt with in terms of interpersonal relationships (along with other initial foundational contexts, but for the sake of not having a lengthy blog post, let’s speak in relation to interpersonal relationships).

Two claims were up for debate:

“It is better to accept someone before you fully understand them”
“It is better to understand someone before you fully accept them [as an intimate partner]”.

I was seeking to validate the latter claim. I believed, in terms of accepting someone wholeheartedly into one’s life, that it is important to understand various elements that a person possessed before making the decision to accept them into your life.

For example, if you know, beforehand, that a specific person has had a history of cheating, I would hope that it would raise some sort of red flag for you to know that it would probably not be a good idea to get into a relationship with them.

On the other hand, in support of the former claim, it was stated that if we can first accept a person into our lives, our focus would shift from faults and perceptions, and move towards eliminating barriers that would prevent us from understanding them.

Adopted Knowledge: 
By the end of the conversation, we decided that it would be possible to merge the two claims into one presumption:

You can accept someone before understanding them (into friendship) then during friendship, you inadvertently or unintentionally obtain a specific body of an understanding of that person. Once equipped with that level of understanding, a novel, or a second level of acceptance is then presented (which would be an acceptance into your personal life), allowing such a relationship to establish soul ties between two parties.

Acquired Wisdom:
In summary, it is essentially a three step process:
1) Acceptance [Into friendship]
2) Understanding
3) Informed/intentional acceptance [Into an intimate relationship].

Note that the last step must be preceded by an acquired level of understanding.
…

And then somehow we ended up talking about spiders. And that was the end of that.

Stay Groovy, Keep Kickin’

-Alda.