I’ll Never Leave that Boy.

Have you ever scrolled through social media, or had conversations with folks who recant their series of unfortunate stories? You sit there the entire time attempting to empathize with them by way of your countenance, but your brain, with its tiny lil nervous system stems, wipes off the beads of invisible sweat from your forehead, singing praises that their words are not a part of your narrative. That’s not your life. And you’re glad it isn’t you.

*Record scratch*

That was me.

However, this post isn’t intended to be a “woe is me” article in which I illustrate the events of my current circumstance. It’s actually intended to serve as a release of anxiety; of fear- so, an outlet of sorts.

At this point, I am facing an identity crisis. I’m a 24 year old Religious Education graduate and current charter school educator who is dedicated to the work of race and poverty. I have a slew of people  who look to me as someone who scales seemingly impossible barriers, and who tends to make wise career decisions in order to set my future self up for success. But as of now, there is something else stirring inside me. Something I’ve never felt before, and it has shaken me to my core.

A few months ago, I was faced with one of the most difficult decisions in my entire existence. I had previously thought about facing this in the hypothetical sense, but you never really know what you’re going to do until you’re actually faced with the black or red wire that you’ll have to cut, knowing that either decision could potentially have pretty drastic outcomes.

I remember crying for about 10 seconds, my mind flashing with a sign that said “ministry”, and my friend leaning against my dresser, with her hands folded.

I’ve always thought of myself as invincible. You know, most people my age think the same whether they are conscious of it or not. So facing the consequences of my actions have never been at the forefront of my mind as I shimmied my way through narrow paths of decisions and took risky leaps into the depths of the unknown. I had been stung before,  but never burned. But now, the scorching flames seemed to encompass me in a capsule of gasoline, with no way out.

To be, or not to be. That was the question I faced. Do I swiftly sweep this thing under the rug in order to save face in front of people who live in the shadows, and who, quite frankly, have no direct influence in my life, or do I face the many brutal months ahead of me, with the uncomfortable stares and apparent silent questions people may have when they looked my way.

So, I decided to take the harder road. I consider myself someone who tries to be honest, as much as I can, and who tries to take responsibility for her actions, no matter the extent to which things can seem beyond muddied.

So, I chose to keep my chicken nugget who is now 7 months along his growing phase. I chose to let my body do what it’s meant to do. Nourish a fetus. Succumb to tiger stripes. Widen. Stretch. Slow down. Carry life. It wasn’t my choice to do so at this current phase of my life (after all, my plans were to finesse my way into law school to continue to battle alongside others who have dedicated their lives to the work of race and poverty; from the inside out). But who am I to decide that the life growing and fighting to survive within me was not deserving of a chance? Who am I to be ashamed of a whole human being that the world has never met, especially not knowing the impact that they may have on someone’s  life one day? Who am I to decide that the life that God has chosen to create is not worthy of coming into existence?

This was all a spiritual battle for me. Most people think along the lines of “what will the church say”, or “I’ll be disfellowshipped” etc. etc., and I can not believe, though I don’t blame myself for, the fact that I was willing to terminate my pregnancy and simply pray that the Lord would take away any remnants of pain and future guilt I may feel in the years ahead. However, through this experience, no one has turned their face away as I was expecting, but I have been showered with way more love from my friends, mentors and church family. More than I ever thought possible.

But now, I understand this to be a beautifully unique situation. I, a former Religious Education studies major, have spent many waking hours studying the word of God, and attempting to live a “righteous” life. But life is more than attempting to live perfectly. It’s about understanding and learning that God lives, and He loves perfectly, and no matter the sin, He is never surprised when we fall. I learned through this particular situation that though Satan can make situations ripe for temptation to flourish, only God can make the decision to create life. Satan can not. The breath of life is unique to God only, and that is where my heart finds rest.

Though I am currently harboring a chicken nugget out of wedlock in my womb, God has come through for me in many more ways than I can even imagine. He knows that I do not know how to adequately prepare for this journey, so He has people coming out of the ABSOLUTE CUT to aid me in this life altering experience. I will not think of this as an unfortunate situation because I have the wonderful opportunity to become someone’s mother. I am afforded the experience of having an active part in someone’s ability to partake and commune with Christ at the welcome table one day. Not only that, in the ministry sense, I will be able to identify with a large number of women who are facing the same decision I had to make 7 months ago, and who will need continued support throughout their lives as single parents, or who need help with figuring out how co-parenting works. I am honored to be a part of Christ’s ministry even though I didn’t do things the right way. Though I may have believed that I was disqualified, I believe now that God qualifies those who are disqualified to do His work.

So I’ve got work to do. Life will keep on keepin’ on, and so will I with my nugget. I can’t keep teaching each one of my 105 6th graders that “Black Lives Matter” but then allow my actions to reveal that they don’t because I forfeited my opportunity to protect a black child’s existence. Black lives do matter, even the unplanned one tumbling inside me.

 

Stay groovy, Keep Kickin’.

Alda.

*Note- featured image @ 6 months along the journey.

The Problem with Pain.

Heart palpitations. That sinking feeling in your gut. Sleepless nights. Tasteless meals. Loss of appetite. Racing thoughts. What ifs. Could have, should have, would have’s. The numbness you succumb to, and the overbearing desire to feel something- anything- that follows the emptiness.

There are so many emotions and abstract explanations that can be listed here as an effect of pain. But one of the most overlooked aspects of pain that has been heavy upon my heart is this-

I, like many others, have always sought many a ways of masking my pain, pushing it to the darkest depths of my mind, locking it up in a laser protected corner surrounded by C4 that is easily detonated by the very wind of a thought crossing by too close to pain’s territory.

I think I’ve done a pretty darned fabulous job of seeking any and every extrinsic distraction to take my mind off of my pain. I’ve spent endless hours with people to keep my brain off of the very things that plague my motivation. I’ve listened to every song that doesn’t remind me of anything vaguely related to my past, so as not to trigger those pain receptors. I’ve buried myself in my passion and work, seeking to cloud my life in a hazy blur of deadlines and responsibilities so I don’t find myself idle, sitting in silence with my own thoughts, forced to reason with the seeds planted in my youth that have so conveniently found  ways to blossom in my life.

I always thought that I would become more resilient by mastering the art of ignoring my pain and moving forward without taking the time to really come head to spirit with it.

Over the course of the last few years, I’ve been able to see the damaging effects of burrowing my uneasiness affiliated with my pain far from my immediate attention. It has caused me to become calloused- numb, weak and unable to love. Unable to empathize with those around me, because I’m so far gone out of touch with my own emotions. I’ve watched others hurt by my words, actions – or lack thereof, and stood confused as to why they would ever be so hurt and unable to move on because of things that seemed to me to be so trivial.

I see them. And now I’m being brought into a most uncomfortable place. Facing the pain.

The problem with pain is that it feels like you’re putting yourself through the worst form of torture that any human could ever think or want to experience. Dealing with your pain is like consenting to chiropractics after being in an accident with an 18 wheeler that left every last bone in your body shattered, out of place, and seemingly beyond repair. It sucks, it hurts, but you know how physical and occupational therapy are going to be the only things that are going to get you fixed. Not in the way that you once were, but in a place where your body is restructured, and operating under an entirely different system, unfamiliar to its former self. And often times, this reformative change is what will save you.

So take from that what you’d like. That’s the point where I am. I am making the decision to face my pain head on. To experience all of the discomfort that comes with it in an attempt to empathize again. In solitude, I will be seeking out ways to feel again. To love, holistically, again. I’m not sure what that looks like. And at times it feels like I’m taking an emotional leap off a cliff with this one, but something in my spirit tells me it’s a necessary work that needs to be done right now. So here’s to many a more sleepless, aching nights, mind-racing mornings, acknowledgement of gut wrenching realities, and seemingly purposeless pain.

 

-Stay groovy, Keep Kickin’

Alda.

Growing Pains.

Today I realized: I’m growing up.

When I was kid, I always thought about what I would look and be like when I hit my twenties. I dreamt about what college would be like, and what kind of friends I would make throughout my collegiate experience. I thought about getting my own car and being able to drive it around wherever and whenever I liked. I thought about having a stable job and getting my own place, and drinking tea every morning in my sea breeze inspired loft or studio apartment, watching the sun peak its rays right above the tippity tops of apartment buildings from my sky high living room window.

I was excited to grow up. But then my senior year of college rolled around so quickly and I realized- that was where my dreams ended.

Growing up in a low income community, my lifelong goal was to just make it out of the “hood” and into a prestigious college or university. My parents were immigrants from the Cape Verde Islands who had an arranged marriage and who never had the chance to pursue higher education. So that was my job. Make it to college.

So here I am, somehow, some way, in my last semester of University with no post grad plan. What the heck do you do after you graduate college, when you know you should go to grad school, but for what? I did the only thing I knew I needed to do to occupy myself in the meantime, and that was to get a job.

Soon one job turned to two, and my free mornings turned to rushed [oh-my-goodness-I’m-going-to-be-late-and-my-students-are-going-to-think-its-a-free-for-all] kinda mornings, and next thing I knew, I had somehow decided it was time to build my credit, learn how to properly manage my finances, and start taking better care of my body. After all, I’m only getting older, and time is getting shorter.

I knew I reached a completely different state of living after I received a text from my friend asking me to “hang out”. What in the world does that mean? Alas, I discovered- I no longer have “time” for social events. My life has become consumed with lesson planning, grading, testing, caregiving, medicine administration, health watching, budgeting, credit building, lack of time for exercise, chiropractics, lack of energy and the list goes on, and on, and on. So much for joyrides and ginger spice tea filled mornings in my sea breeze loft.

So I stopped to think about what I thought my life “should” have been like now- how care free I’d be. How I would have met the love of my life by now and began pursuing the building of an empire together, how I would be starting my post graduate experience with God before me, a stable head on my shoulders, a cushiony savings account and financial independence- and the only thing I seem to have acquired by now is the acknowledgement of a God who’s thoughts are higher than mine, and who’s ways are not mine either.

So I’ve learned to take it all one day at a time. I didn’t know how I found myself working with intellectually challenged and/or disabled people, but God has shown me quite a bit about HIs love, dedication, care, sacrifice and selflessness through them. I still don’t know how I managed to have the privilege of teaching religion to a classroom filled with beautiful minds in the few short weeks after graduating, but here I am. I still may not be where I want to be now, or know where I’m going, but I know I’m exactly where I need to be.

Yeah, I may not know when I’m going to pursue my masters degree, or what specifically the Lord would have me to study and for why, but I know that along the way, just like Abraham, I’m being taken on a journey away from the promised land in order to acquire the necessary resources, skills, and character that I will need in order to possess the land that He has already promised. It’s not going to be an easy route- that part has already been revealed to me. But it will be a most trying, but fulfilling time of my life.

And who knows. Perhaps I’m going though all of this just so I can discover the art of couponing. Guess I’ll have to wait to find out.

Stay groovy, keep Kickin’

-Alda.

Reluctant Progressions.

I think that we all have an implicit standard of what we think a relationship should be like. Whether that standard is molded by our childhood experiences, or through our models of what we consider to be a perfect relationship as seen through the people in our immediate surrounding, we all still have a standard.

Recently, someone I hold very dear to my heart had a conversation with me in which they expressed their concern for my future regarding the interpersonal relationships that I was involved in. And I remember one of the most important things they told me- they were worried that I would set aside my gifts and talents for a man that did not express a love or support for the ministry that I believe God placed in my life for me. They told me that I should never get to the point where I feel like I’m settling because I’m afraid I might never meet the person I am to be with. 

This seemed to be the theme of most conversations that I’ve had with my mentors, and school parents, my real parents and even those whom I’ve networked with in the past couple of years. Their concern remains the same across the board- that I never lose focus because I delved too deep within a relationship with someone who I had no business being with, for lack of patience.

But I feel like I’ve done just that. And I’m just not sure how to exit.

I’ve had a few other conversations with a couple of friends of mine in which we talked about how, as theology majors, or even as people who have dedicated their lives to Christ, we know a lot of the principles that have been revealed through scripture. Those that talk about our treatment of other people, the holiness of God and how we are to hold that to the highest reverence, but most importantly, the law in which all laws are firmly rooted upon- the law of love. 

The law of love is probably the only law that scales all boundaries, and that directly holds a relationship with every other law. It puts a mirror up to our face so that we can see our true nature. The law of love requires growth, change and development. It pushes us out of the limits of our comfort, and propels us right into the forgiving arms of our Creator. 

As of recently, this law of love has revealed its practical application to my life. It is not merely enough to understand what love means in theory, or to know what the bible says in theory, but true wisdom comes in the practical application thereof. Once we know better, we are required to do better, all through the strength of Christ. 

Philippians 2:13 has taken an entirely new meaning for me in these last couple of days. It tells us that because God is working in us, He is the one who provides us with the will, and of course, the strength to do His perfect will. So not only does God reveal to us what His will actually is for our lives, but He also gives us the strength, endurance, and the resilience to carry it through- all through Him. Isn’t that amazing?

I write this blog at a most difficult period. I’ve begun to feel as if I have been losing the gift that God has equipped me with. I lost my desire to write. And even more frightening to me as a writer, I’ve run out of things to write about. But throughout all of my perceived inadequacies, and my feelings of hypocrisy even as I write this current blog, God still reveals to me that this job He has called me to has never been about me. It has never relied upon how I feel about myself, or how prepared I feel like I am to do His work, or even my enthusiasm, creativity, reliability, zeal, qualification, emotions- anything. It has SOLELY relied on His perfection being worked out through my willing vessel. Accepting God’s will in my life for me to work for His sake through the ministry of interpersonal relationships, has been possible only through my willingness to accept Him not only as my personal Savior, but as my Lord. As the one who fuels me- daily. As the One who sustains not only my life, but the balance of the universe- daily. 

So here I am.  I’ve gotten myself into a massive rut of complacency. And worst of all, I’ve found myself deeply tangled in the Olivia Pope Syndrome (as defined in one of my earlier posts) where it is easy for me to assist others in their relational endeavors, but it is most difficult and almost impossible for me to apply those same, seemingly simply, principles to my own life. It is easy for me to pinpoint disastrous relationships that other people may be entering in, or the red flags that eagerly display themselves in hopes of being noticed and promptly heeded. 

This all preludes one of my biggest pitfalls I have found myself hopelessly devoted to. I have found that I have begun losing myself in the hopes of achieving the unattainable, and that has proven, on many occasions, to be something that has a grave potential to be the most disastrous decision I could ever make in my life. And that would be the pursuit of happiness through a marital bond that the Lord never ordained.

Perhaps the experiences we have been afforded in life have been for the purposes of propelling us to new spiritual heights, or have been to work out the kinks in our character to make us more like Christ, or have simply been because of our disobedience, but because the Lord is good, He always has a way of turning things around to be a blessing to you, and to each and every person that you minister to according to their needs. Perhaps, it’s because of all of the above.

I have turned over in my mind, my current dilemma many many times, and have decided not to prolong a decision that God has already told me to make. Most often, we catch ourselves entangled in soul ties that God was trying to stop from happening from the jump, but because we chose to take the route He never intended for us, we then have to answer to the challenges posed by our failed decisions. And though this is delayed obedience, I just want to say, I hear You Lord. And I trust that whatever it is that happens from this moment on, will be in Your hands.

So I write this blog not in my usual format, but as an open letter. More so for myself, but also for the person who I know will open this one day and hopefully understand what I have learned through the process. I do freely give thanks for the many lessons learned throughout this process, and for the ability to be able to understand what obedience to the Lord’s will looks like, for the trials endured, and for allowing be a full length view of the flaws in my character, but most importantly, I was able to see that it is possible to love again, and to love wholeheartedly, and without end. Love is self sacrificing. And I believe that my fleshly desires must be sacrificed in order for God to begin His process of healing and restoration in the lives of us both. 

To closure. To trusting that God has our best interests in mind when He gave His final word. To the beauty of progression. To love, and to the one blog you may claim to be directly addressed to you.

Let it be written, so let it be done.

Emotionally Drained.

 

Have you ever wanted something for so long that you grew a profound distaste for everything associated to the object of your initial desire?

Just thinking about the countless emotional vacuums I have willingly placed myself in is enough to make me feel so out of breath right now. Literally. I’m panting.

I think that people my age are in an interesting place. We’re all at a crucial stage where we are about to or have already graduated, well on our way to dipping right into our career, and are all faced with the same question.

When?

To men, they must deal with the pressures of solidifying current relationships into the category of intense courtship and engagement, or are coaxed into relational distress by being pushed to be more aggressive in their search for morally, upstanding “wifey” material.

Women, on the other hand, are looked at through the expecting eyes of people who are not close enough to be asking relationship questions, but not stranger enough to dodge immediately after church service. We’ve all seen it. Everyone nosily makes their way towards you, asks you a couple of dry, academically related questions, and then swiftly cut to the meat of their meddlesome motives.

Their comments dance around themes such as,

“Who’s the lucky guy” or, “is there anyone special in your life right now” – I’ve even had someone glance at my left hand with an almost unintelligible “hmph”. Almost.

I recently caught myself slipping. Pressed. And in a state of slight desperation upon somehow being convinced that my biological clock had already began ticking, and that it was my responsibility to do something about it.

I thought about the source of such frenzied thoughts that were spurring some very unattractive behaviors on my end. And thus began a process of self-examination. And I must say, I wasn’t too happy with the findings.

Two things happened as a result of my hasty pursuit in this relational mission. I was made to believe that my value lay in that of my attachment to a man, and that if I didn’t get my act together, I’d have nothing to accompany me in my old age but the offbeat creaks of my ageing rocking chair, and a very leaky roof.

After my high-energy go-mode, I inevitably entered crash-mode.

In my attempt to secure sure footing and illumination regarding “The One”, I was making sure to test all possible avenues before resting upon one that was of high morale, and that was “husband material”. But after each and every interpersonal communication I had with various young men, I kept finding something “wrong” with each and every one of them. Towards the end of the mark, I had already run myself into emotional exhaustion, and all of my sentiments began running right into each other. I achieved relational overload.

Now, this was a painstakingly, frustrating phase to be in, as I completely lost sight of self. I forgot who I was, and before I knew it, there I was trifling with hearts; leading people to believe that I was interested in pursuing a relationship with them when in fact, I really couldn’t bring myself to admit that I was not ready for a relationship, nor was I interested in the prospect of even securing anything long-term with them. I was more prepared to choose a red velvet cupcake over the very thought of being with someone else.

So what happened?

Well. The first step to recovery is admitting it. So that’s what I did. I admitted that I had a problem. Next, I had to Woman-up to the responsibility of communicating my intentions (or lack there-of) to the young men I was communicatively involved with. Then, I had to endure the silence.

I think the cure to any case of emotional drainage is to simply learn to live in the quietude of those moments after letting go. Which is hard to do. Why? Because we as humans always feel the need to occupy our minds with something to do in order to feel like progress is being made, and changes are taking place. But I assure you, adapting to the silence will be your greatest feat in achieving healing from this taxing engagement.

I firmly believe that obsessing over anything can then deem that which you are obsessing over as an addiction. So there is a very good chance that you are addicted to searching for your “soul mate”- especially if you find yourself revolving every point of your life around such an “accomplishment”.

But even in overcoming any addiction, or just like anything else you extract from the flesh, which is not beneficial to you, you must replace it with something. So. Once you get rid of emotional baggage, there is only one thing to do to make sure you don’t fall into the same trap again.

Solution: Get into another relationship.

But not just any old relationship. You gotta get into one that requires a whole lot of dedication, persistence and one that teaches you the true meaning of service. You must get into a relationship with your true Soul Mate that has the ultimate ability to restore you and reform you into the person that you are called to be in life. You must get into a relationship with Someone who is going to change you so much that you begin acting like, and reflecting Them. This is a relationship that will completely change the outlook and perspectives that you formerly had on what relationships are supposed to be all about. This will be a relationship that requires you to submit every single last ounce of your physical, mental, and emotional capabilities.

Then, once you get into this relationship, the crowning lesson that you will extract from it will be that of sacrifice. And that, my friend, is when you truly understand what love is all about. Sacrifice.

And THEN, after you’ve learned about sacrifice from being in this relationship, you are permitted to get into another relationship. Simultaneously. I firmly believe that every person should be in two relationships at the same time. It’s only healthy. No relationship is guaranteed true success if there aren’t three people involved at all times.

So, you gotta get into a self-sacrificing, secure, life altering relationship with Christ before you get into a relationship with anyone else. That’s the formula for filling your well back up with the good stuff, and making sure that this time, it doesn’t get drained by non-factor sources that really shouldn’t have had access to it in the first place.

So what am I saying after 1095 words or so? I’m saying- Breathe. Stretch. Shake. Let people go. Learn to live in and appreciate solitude. Know that you’re still young. Know that God has someone ideal for you, and He wouldn’t withhold your “good thing” from you unless you willingly and actively place yourself in a position where you aren’t mature or developed enough to receive it, let alone maintain it. So if you’re emotionally drained, you’re not ready for a relationship. That’s all.

 

Stay groovy, Keep Kickin’.

-Alda.

Compromises.

 

 

As I sat on my father’s new lazy boy mindlessly flipping through channels of garbage on my TV screen, I thought back over this past semester and how great it felt to be home doing abso-tootely nothing.

I remember counting down the days before I would make the 20 hour drive back to the Ocean State, and how I was looking forward to laying on our sandy beaches, catching up with friends, bullying my brother and annoying my parents. I can honestly say that proved to be a difficult task, seeing how “a watched pot never boils”, and I found myself aimlessly searching for any and everything else to do rather than the work I was supposed to be doing.

You know… like when I decided it was time to start working on my 12-page research paper after watching 5 episodes of Martin, and immediately made the executive decision that it was more necessary for me to cut up some grapefruit and get it in my belly before writing my paper. Pshht. How did anyone expect me to even THINK about writing my research paper when there was a juicy, luscious, delectable grapefruit waiting for me in the kitchen?

And after finishing the grapefruit, I most definitely had to reward myself for all of the work I had accomplished by listening to some Anita Baker and Lianne La Havas. Watching TV shows and eating fruit are truly strenuous activities that have been proven to be seriously draining.

But..

My heart sank when I peeped my little radio clock.

It was 10:59… PM.. and my paper was due at, oh *coughs* 11am.

Oh, not to worry, I’ll just-

*Skype call*

Oh. This call was important. Turns out my best friend was going through some pret-ty heavy guy troubles. So it was up to me to shift into heroic best friend mode and save the night.

…

What a lengthy introduction. I shall now get to the meat.

What you’ve just read could, on the surface, be perceived as procrastination. But I prefer to view them as compromises. Throughout this academic year (and those passed as well), I found myself making entirely too many compromises that were hindering my achievement and success in the very things that were required of me. I knew that to become a competent and useful member of service to my society, of course it was necessary to complete my academic work and to do it well, just like everything else that is of value in this life. But I was letting entirely too many things photobomb the picture of achievement that I believe God set me on the path towards.

This was not only in the academic sense, but in the intimate details of the fabric of this old quilt, called my life. I saw that through compromises that I made through the “little things” in my life, I was conditioning myself to compromise in the bigger, more private aspects of my existence, namely on the relational level.

Let me explain.

Instead of studying for my exam, I would spend more time socializing with my friends. Instead of creating scaffolds for my presentations, I would rather take a spontaneous trip to an undisclosed location and allow my over analytical mind run rampant through the clutter of worry plaguing my frontal lobe. I would let my thoughts toy through bins of film reels containing old strategies in the pursuit of bliss, and pray through lists of my greatest fears, and turn over the meaning of love through my mind only to end up at the meaning of grace, and how unworthy I was to receive it.

As the suns rays caressed the soft blues and made way for satiny scarlet and flushed coral, I realized that I had been losing chunks of my personality, and that the essence of Aldavina was being chipped away to reveal one who was slowly caving into the ideas of external sources. As one who had become weak enough to allow her being to dissipate from pores that had become permeable and malleable by people who didn’t really know her well enough to understand the extent to which their eight letter phrase was blockaded by the Great Wall off Alda.

I found myself removing the silky shawl of my morals, values and beliefs and exposing myself to the abrasive elements of the awaiting climate of intimate bleakness.

Shortly before I could completely disrobe myself of everything I knew Aldavina to be, I was awakened from my trance by the concept of grace, and experienced how it came through to put together that which had been dismantled, and instill within me the beauty of hope.

Now, many people reading this will probably not completely understand the full extent of what I have just revealed here. But I will leave you with this-

It is better to emit color by preserving ones morals in the face of hostile spectators, than it is to lose oneself by compromising to fit into anyone else’s fancifully constructed silhouette of how you should be.

 

Stay groovy, Kcep Kickin’

-Alda.

“When I am writing, I am trying to find out who I am.”

Implicit motive.

The Daily Post

Maya Angelou by Spanglej, CC BY-SA 2.0.

Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with deeper meaning.

Find a beautiful piece of art. If you fall in love with Van Gogh or Matisse or John Oliver Killens, or if you fall love with the music of Coltrane, the music of Aretha Franklin, or the music of Chopin — find some beautiful art and admire it, and realize that it was created by human beings just like you, no more human, no less.

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

The idea is to write it so that people hear it and it slides through the brain and goes straight to the heart.

When I am writing, I am trying to find out who I am, who we are, what we’re capable of, how…

View original post 503 more words

Knowledge is Not Power.

 

The early chapters of the creation account within Genesis testify of Elohim and the life-producing power of Their very words. Further along in the story, we reach the creation of mankind and the subsequent “fall of mankind” in chapter 3. Lucifer, disguised as a beguiling serpent, deceives Eve to believe that she is missing out on some “special knowledge” which eating from this tree, namely, the “Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil”, which God command that they should not eat, could provide. She caves in, as well as her husband, and the rest is certainly history from there.

Now for those who still perpetuate the blame game first modeled by the Eden pair, with statements such as “boy, do I sure have a mouthful for Eve when I get to heaven” (why don’t we ever blame Satan?), I would dare to say a good majority within the Seventh-day Adventist church are still believing the same lie and eating the same fruit, just in a different manner. “Your eyes will be opened, and you shall be like gods, knowing both good and evil.” I really do not have the time to break down all of the issues within that satanic statement, but quite covertly, Satan seems to make being like God based off of how much you know. And we, influenced by our doctrinally devoted heritage, inspired by our information-driven society, and instructed by our knowledge-based approach to the Bible, believe him.

It can be said that our denomination often mistakes the Bible for a “how-to guide to holiness”, rather than what it truly is, a love letter guiding us to the heart of God. Such a perspective views the Word as being no more relational than a State Driver’s license manual or the owner’s guidebook that came with your mini-fridge! In fact, the widely accepted acronym for the Bible, “Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth”, clearly demonstrates this. We have become accustomed to viewing spiritual things conceptually or primarily as an intellectual pursuit. And if we can just know enough, if we get the right knowledge, we can be “like God”.

A lot of our preaching and teaching still offers a “knowledge of good and evil”. It merely tells of what is good and what is bad. For example, God is good or “the law” is good or the “health message” is good or the Sabbath is good. And sin is bad and Satan is bad and smoking is bad and “shacking up” is bad, and ultimately all of that stuff is true. There is nothing false about those statements. But then, based off this information, a lot of sermons then go on to offer the “do’s and don’ts” of Christianity.

This approach would diagnose the primary problem of mankind as a moral one. In other words, this perspective states that the greatest issue for the human race is one of behavior and all we need to do is modify or change or fix that behavior and everything will be good. This would be defined by some as “moralism”. So knowledge of what’s good and evil tells us the “what” of Christianity, and the “dos and don’ts”, tell us the “how”. This predominantly logical/moralistic approach is what I believe the average Adventist receives on any given Sabbath morning.

However, here is the issue with such an approach, the primary problem of mankind is not a moral one. Our most pressing issue is not one of knowing or thinking aright. It is not an intellectual problem. It is also not primarily a behavioral problem that a list of rules can be used to fix. Our primary problem is that we are DEAD!

The Gospel first finds us dead in sins, not just being on the wrong side of an argument. From the very beginning, God told Adam and Eve they would die the day they ate of the tree. Paul says in many places that we were dead in our trespasses and sins, the ministry of Christ would be incomplete without His death and His victory over death manifested in His resurrection! The second death is what He came to save us from.

So then, if our primary problem is death, why is it that a lot of churches and denominations and sermons only offer us a “knowledge of good and evil” when what we really need is the “Tree of Life”? Why do we keep giving people facts, knowledge, information thinking that it will give them Life!? It cannot! It will not! To quote the author Tullian Tchvidijan in his book Jesus + Nothing = Everything, “Christ did not come to make bad people good, He came to make dead people alive.” The Gospel speaks of a Risen Savior who has made us alive with Him through His death on the cross!

Well then, what is Life? Christ clearly states in John 14 that He Himself is Life! Therefore, we know that Life is more than just existence, blood flowing through the veins or air passing through the lungs, but truly experiencing Christ, a living Person, and having an intimate relationship with Him. Enjoying *divine union* and fellowship with Him. Divine union which truly illumines our understanding of God and spiritual things and which invigorates and enlivens our obedience, not just our willpower on steroids.

Do not hear me saying that there is no room for doctrine or information in the church, there is. Do not also hear me saying that the life of the Christian shouldn’t be characterized by relational obedience, it should. But to primarily prescribe these as the solution to humanity’s problem, never!

Therefore, our worship experiences and Bible studies and sermons and AY’s and service opportunities and discipleship models and evangelistic methods must offer Life and not just “knowledge of good and evil” because one is Christ and the other is just knowledge about Him. One is transformation and the other is just information. One has power, the other is dead and weak and lifeless. We must therefore preach Life, not knowledge. Live Life, not facts.

(Gen. 3, John 3:3-17, 6:53-58,63, 14:6, Eph. 2:1,5, Col. 2:13)

 

(Guest Post by: Kristopher Hicks)

This Is How You Almost Date Someone

Couldn’t have said it better.

Future Tense.

Future Tense.

 

Scores and scores

Of immeasurable pain

Have graced the canvass

of my existence.

 

Adversity and deleterious recalls

spew forth

From my acquired synthetic,

feminist mane.

 

I do not know what it takes

to fertilize A potential

neonatal affection,

But I desire that Yahweh sees fit to birth-

An inseparable, attainable connection,

That’ll erase my venomous recollection,

And unveil the scarlet curtains of protection,

And in the understanding of my heavenly election,

Putting away the past misconception

That I’ve held towards all men.

 

Through my identity in the Most High,

I have been initiated into the laboratory

Of the beginning stages of what it is to love.

Of what it is to relinquish embedded pride-

And yield to the opposing tide

That desires to encompass around my every side

That I may be strengthened by God to be able to abide

In Him.

 

The flaming adversary within me

generated by my own self,

will only then be crushed

and make way for vulnerability.

And peace,

And bliss,

And inestimable joy

And will then be able to round the sharp edges of my being,

Encasing my priceless gift

In a precious vessel of beryl emerald,

Sealed with divine light,

Only to be exposed by the one who desires closeness with Elohim.

 

 

And though the journey be long,

And the sands of time fade,

May Yahweh’s love abound

unhindered by self indulgence,

and fleshly desires,

societal pressures,

and unabashed liars.

 

Stay Groovy. Keep Kickin’

-Alda.