Emotionally Drained.

 

Have you ever wanted something for so long that you grew a profound distaste for everything associated to the object of your initial desire?

Just thinking about the countless emotional vacuums I have willingly placed myself in is enough to make me feel so out of breath right now. Literally. I’m panting.

I think that people my age are in an interesting place. We’re all at a crucial stage where we are about to or have already graduated, well on our way to dipping right into our career, and are all faced with the same question.

When?

To men, they must deal with the pressures of solidifying current relationships into the category of intense courtship and engagement, or are coaxed into relational distress by being pushed to be more aggressive in their search for morally, upstanding “wifey” material.

Women, on the other hand, are looked at through the expecting eyes of people who are not close enough to be asking relationship questions, but not stranger enough to dodge immediately after church service. We’ve all seen it. Everyone nosily makes their way towards you, asks you a couple of dry, academically related questions, and then swiftly cut to the meat of their meddlesome motives.

Their comments dance around themes such as,

“Who’s the lucky guy” or, “is there anyone special in your life right now” – I’ve even had someone glance at my left hand with an almost unintelligible “hmph”. Almost.

I recently caught myself slipping. Pressed. And in a state of slight desperation upon somehow being convinced that my biological clock had already began ticking, and that it was my responsibility to do something about it.

I thought about the source of such frenzied thoughts that were spurring some very unattractive behaviors on my end. And thus began a process of self-examination. And I must say, I wasn’t too happy with the findings.

Two things happened as a result of my hasty pursuit in this relational mission. I was made to believe that my value lay in that of my attachment to a man, and that if I didn’t get my act together, I’d have nothing to accompany me in my old age but the offbeat creaks of my ageing rocking chair, and a very leaky roof.

After my high-energy go-mode, I inevitably entered crash-mode.

In my attempt to secure sure footing and illumination regarding “The One”, I was making sure to test all possible avenues before resting upon one that was of high morale, and that was “husband material”. But after each and every interpersonal communication I had with various young men, I kept finding something “wrong” with each and every one of them. Towards the end of the mark, I had already run myself into emotional exhaustion, and all of my sentiments began running right into each other. I achieved relational overload.

Now, this was a painstakingly, frustrating phase to be in, as I completely lost sight of self. I forgot who I was, and before I knew it, there I was trifling with hearts; leading people to believe that I was interested in pursuing a relationship with them when in fact, I really couldn’t bring myself to admit that I was not ready for a relationship, nor was I interested in the prospect of even securing anything long-term with them. I was more prepared to choose a red velvet cupcake over the very thought of being with someone else.

So what happened?

Well. The first step to recovery is admitting it. So that’s what I did. I admitted that I had a problem. Next, I had to Woman-up to the responsibility of communicating my intentions (or lack there-of) to the young men I was communicatively involved with. Then, I had to endure the silence.

I think the cure to any case of emotional drainage is to simply learn to live in the quietude of those moments after letting go. Which is hard to do. Why? Because we as humans always feel the need to occupy our minds with something to do in order to feel like progress is being made, and changes are taking place. But I assure you, adapting to the silence will be your greatest feat in achieving healing from this taxing engagement.

I firmly believe that obsessing over anything can then deem that which you are obsessing over as an addiction. So there is a very good chance that you are addicted to searching for your “soul mate”- especially if you find yourself revolving every point of your life around such an “accomplishment”.

But even in overcoming any addiction, or just like anything else you extract from the flesh, which is not beneficial to you, you must replace it with something. So. Once you get rid of emotional baggage, there is only one thing to do to make sure you don’t fall into the same trap again.

Solution: Get into another relationship.

But not just any old relationship. You gotta get into one that requires a whole lot of dedication, persistence and one that teaches you the true meaning of service. You must get into a relationship with your true Soul Mate that has the ultimate ability to restore you and reform you into the person that you are called to be in life. You must get into a relationship with Someone who is going to change you so much that you begin acting like, and reflecting Them. This is a relationship that will completely change the outlook and perspectives that you formerly had on what relationships are supposed to be all about. This will be a relationship that requires you to submit every single last ounce of your physical, mental, and emotional capabilities.

Then, once you get into this relationship, the crowning lesson that you will extract from it will be that of sacrifice. And that, my friend, is when you truly understand what love is all about. Sacrifice.

And THEN, after you’ve learned about sacrifice from being in this relationship, you are permitted to get into another relationship. Simultaneously. I firmly believe that every person should be in two relationships at the same time. It’s only healthy. No relationship is guaranteed true success if there aren’t three people involved at all times.

So, you gotta get into a self-sacrificing, secure, life altering relationship with Christ before you get into a relationship with anyone else. That’s the formula for filling your well back up with the good stuff, and making sure that this time, it doesn’t get drained by non-factor sources that really shouldn’t have had access to it in the first place.

So what am I saying after 1095 words or so? I’m saying- Breathe. Stretch. Shake. Let people go. Learn to live in and appreciate solitude. Know that you’re still young. Know that God has someone ideal for you, and He wouldn’t withhold your “good thing” from you unless you willingly and actively place yourself in a position where you aren’t mature or developed enough to receive it, let alone maintain it. So if you’re emotionally drained, you’re not ready for a relationship. That’s all.

 

Stay groovy, Keep Kickin’.

-Alda.

Compromises.

 

 

As I sat on my father’s new lazy boy mindlessly flipping through channels of garbage on my TV screen, I thought back over this past semester and how great it felt to be home doing abso-tootely nothing.

I remember counting down the days before I would make the 20 hour drive back to the Ocean State, and how I was looking forward to laying on our sandy beaches, catching up with friends, bullying my brother and annoying my parents. I can honestly say that proved to be a difficult task, seeing how “a watched pot never boils”, and I found myself aimlessly searching for any and everything else to do rather than the work I was supposed to be doing.

You know… like when I decided it was time to start working on my 12-page research paper after watching 5 episodes of Martin, and immediately made the executive decision that it was more necessary for me to cut up some grapefruit and get it in my belly before writing my paper. Pshht. How did anyone expect me to even THINK about writing my research paper when there was a juicy, luscious, delectable grapefruit waiting for me in the kitchen?

And after finishing the grapefruit, I most definitely had to reward myself for all of the work I had accomplished by listening to some Anita Baker and Lianne La Havas. Watching TV shows and eating fruit are truly strenuous activities that have been proven to be seriously draining.

But..

My heart sank when I peeped my little radio clock.

It was 10:59… PM.. and my paper was due at, oh *coughs* 11am.

Oh, not to worry, I’ll just-

*Skype call*

Oh. This call was important. Turns out my best friend was going through some pret-ty heavy guy troubles. So it was up to me to shift into heroic best friend mode and save the night.

…

What a lengthy introduction. I shall now get to the meat.

What you’ve just read could, on the surface, be perceived as procrastination. But I prefer to view them as compromises. Throughout this academic year (and those passed as well), I found myself making entirely too many compromises that were hindering my achievement and success in the very things that were required of me. I knew that to become a competent and useful member of service to my society, of course it was necessary to complete my academic work and to do it well, just like everything else that is of value in this life. But I was letting entirely too many things photobomb the picture of achievement that I believe God set me on the path towards.

This was not only in the academic sense, but in the intimate details of the fabric of this old quilt, called my life. I saw that through compromises that I made through the “little things” in my life, I was conditioning myself to compromise in the bigger, more private aspects of my existence, namely on the relational level.

Let me explain.

Instead of studying for my exam, I would spend more time socializing with my friends. Instead of creating scaffolds for my presentations, I would rather take a spontaneous trip to an undisclosed location and allow my over analytical mind run rampant through the clutter of worry plaguing my frontal lobe. I would let my thoughts toy through bins of film reels containing old strategies in the pursuit of bliss, and pray through lists of my greatest fears, and turn over the meaning of love through my mind only to end up at the meaning of grace, and how unworthy I was to receive it.

As the suns rays caressed the soft blues and made way for satiny scarlet and flushed coral, I realized that I had been losing chunks of my personality, and that the essence of Aldavina was being chipped away to reveal one who was slowly caving into the ideas of external sources. As one who had become weak enough to allow her being to dissipate from pores that had become permeable and malleable by people who didn’t really know her well enough to understand the extent to which their eight letter phrase was blockaded by the Great Wall off Alda.

I found myself removing the silky shawl of my morals, values and beliefs and exposing myself to the abrasive elements of the awaiting climate of intimate bleakness.

Shortly before I could completely disrobe myself of everything I knew Aldavina to be, I was awakened from my trance by the concept of grace, and experienced how it came through to put together that which had been dismantled, and instill within me the beauty of hope.

Now, many people reading this will probably not completely understand the full extent of what I have just revealed here. But I will leave you with this-

It is better to emit color by preserving ones morals in the face of hostile spectators, than it is to lose oneself by compromising to fit into anyone else’s fancifully constructed silhouette of how you should be.

 

Stay groovy, Kcep Kickin’

-Alda.

Future Tense.

Future Tense.

 

Scores and scores

Of immeasurable pain

Have graced the canvass

of my existence.

 

Adversity and deleterious recalls

spew forth

From my acquired synthetic,

feminist mane.

 

I do not know what it takes

to fertilize A potential

neonatal affection,

But I desire that Yahweh sees fit to birth-

An inseparable, attainable connection,

That’ll erase my venomous recollection,

And unveil the scarlet curtains of protection,

And in the understanding of my heavenly election,

Putting away the past misconception

That I’ve held towards all men.

 

Through my identity in the Most High,

I have been initiated into the laboratory

Of the beginning stages of what it is to love.

Of what it is to relinquish embedded pride-

And yield to the opposing tide

That desires to encompass around my every side

That I may be strengthened by God to be able to abide

In Him.

 

The flaming adversary within me

generated by my own self,

will only then be crushed

and make way for vulnerability.

And peace,

And bliss,

And inestimable joy

And will then be able to round the sharp edges of my being,

Encasing my priceless gift

In a precious vessel of beryl emerald,

Sealed with divine light,

Only to be exposed by the one who desires closeness with Elohim.

 

 

And though the journey be long,

And the sands of time fade,

May Yahweh’s love abound

unhindered by self indulgence,

and fleshly desires,

societal pressures,

and unabashed liars.

 

Stay Groovy. Keep Kickin’

-Alda.

Ch/it/at

The natural progression of most of my conversations:

Small Talk. 
Jack Foolery. 
Abstract Subliminals. 
Meat. 
Adopted Knowledge.
Acquired Wisdom.

Small Talk: 
I vaguely remember a discussion I once had that began somewhere along the lines of the viewing of a vine, a couple of exchanges about children’s prayers during children’s story at church, and finally the topic of “friend zones”.

Jack Foolery: 
As the natural progression of most of my conversations would have it, this spiraled into another conversation where I vaguely remember typing in the lyrics to an old school rap song “stop.. drop.. shut em down open up shop”… and something about ninjas.

Abstract Subliminals:
The conversation somehow moved into the topic of not properly understanding that person (whom I was in dialogue with) due to insufficient amounts of proper communication and exchanges about the details of that person’s life. I was then accused of attributing complex qualities to a rather simple persona, and that I probably overanalyzed the entire character of the one who I was in conversation with.

Meat: 
The discourse then led into a full length discussion where I began  attempting to explain my premise of not trying to “figure people out”. I adopted this mentality from previous experiences accumulated over time. “Figuring” people out in the worldview of Madame Alda is congruent to a mentality infused with the idea of reading people as we would a mathematical equation- with the purposes of seeking a solution to a problem. Unbeknownst to me, this inevitably propelled me into “compulsive fixer/savior/mini-chick-with-a-cape mode. Upon explaining this sort of abstract reality in my mind, I then set forth another ideal that I live by-instead of trying to “figure” people out like I used to do, I simply (or not so simply) seek to “understand” people, for I believe that understanding breeds acceptance.

To which a thought provoking rebuttal was made that would refine my initial belief about interactions with other people.

“Acceptance breeds understanding”.

I immediately went into refutation mode, but instead of seeking to disprove the claim, I thought about the possibility of that being a valid argument..

To make a lengthy conversation shorter, common ground was found at one point, but by no means through easily transported vesicles of agreement. Understanding of both claims needed to be acquired, and the facilitation of knowledge acquisition slowly began to reshape the initial premise.

To give you a better understanding of the context of this conversation, it was dealt with in terms of interpersonal relationships (along with other initial foundational contexts, but for the sake of not having a lengthy blog post, let’s speak in relation to interpersonal relationships).

Two claims were up for debate:

“It is better to accept someone before you fully understand them”
“It is better to understand someone before you fully accept them [as an intimate partner]”.

I was seeking to validate the latter claim. I believed, in terms of accepting someone wholeheartedly into one’s life, that it is important to understand various elements that a person possessed before making the decision to accept them into your life.

For example, if you know, beforehand, that a specific person has had a history of cheating, I would hope that it would raise some sort of red flag for you to know that it would probably not be a good idea to get into a relationship with them.

On the other hand, in support of the former claim, it was stated that if we can first accept a person into our lives, our focus would shift from faults and perceptions, and move towards eliminating barriers that would prevent us from understanding them.

Adopted Knowledge: 
By the end of the conversation, we decided that it would be possible to merge the two claims into one presumption:

You can accept someone before understanding them (into friendship) then during friendship, you inadvertently or unintentionally obtain a specific body of an understanding of that person. Once equipped with that level of understanding, a novel, or a second level of acceptance is then presented (which would be an acceptance into your personal life), allowing such a relationship to establish soul ties between two parties.

Acquired Wisdom:
In summary, it is essentially a three step process:
1) Acceptance [Into friendship]
2) Understanding
3) Informed/intentional acceptance [Into an intimate relationship].

Note that the last step must be preceded by an acquired level of understanding.
…

And then somehow we ended up talking about spiders. And that was the end of that.

Stay Groovy, Keep Kickin’

-Alda.