I think that we all have an implicit standard of what we think a relationship should be like. Whether that standard is molded by our childhood experiences, or through our models of what we consider to be a perfect relationship as seen through the people in our immediate surrounding, we all still have a standard.
Recently, someone I hold very dear to my heart had a conversation with me in which they expressed their concern for my future regarding the interpersonal relationships that I was involved in. And I remember one of the most important things they told me- they were worried that I would set aside my gifts and talents for a man that did not express a love or support for the ministry that I believe God placed in my life for me. They told me that I should never get to the point where I feel like I’m settling because I’m afraid I might never meet the person I am to be with.
This seemed to be the theme of most conversations that I’ve had with my mentors, and school parents, my real parents and even those whom I’ve networked with in the past couple of years. Their concern remains the same across the board- that I never lose focus because I delved too deep within a relationship with someone who I had no business being with, for lack of patience.
But I feel like I’ve done just that. And I’m just not sure how to exit.
I’ve had a few other conversations with a couple of friends of mine in which we talked about how, as theology majors, or even as people who have dedicated their lives to Christ, we know a lot of the principles that have been revealed through scripture. Those that talk about our treatment of other people, the holiness of God and how we are to hold that to the highest reverence, but most importantly, the law in which all laws are firmly rooted upon- the law of love.
The law of love is probably the only law that scales all boundaries, and that directly holds a relationship with every other law. It puts a mirror up to our face so that we can see our true nature. The law of love requires growth, change and development. It pushes us out of the limits of our comfort, and propels us right into the forgiving arms of our Creator.
As of recently, this law of love has revealed its practical application to my life. It is not merely enough to understand what love means in theory, or to know what the bible says in theory, but true wisdom comes in the practical application thereof. Once we know better, we are required to do better, all through the strength of Christ.
Philippians 2:13 has taken an entirely new meaning for me in these last couple of days. It tells us that because God is working in us, He is the one who provides us with the will, and of course, the strength to do His perfect will. So not only does God reveal to us what His will actually is for our lives, but He also gives us the strength, endurance, and the resilience to carry it through- all through Him. Isn’t that amazing?
I write this blog at a most difficult period. I’ve begun to feel as if I have been losing the gift that God has equipped me with. I lost my desire to write. And even more frightening to me as a writer, I’ve run out of things to write about. But throughout all of my perceived inadequacies, and my feelings of hypocrisy even as I write this current blog, God still reveals to me that this job He has called me to has never been about me. It has never relied upon how I feel about myself, or how prepared I feel like I am to do His work, or even my enthusiasm, creativity, reliability, zeal, qualification, emotions- anything. It has SOLELY relied on His perfection being worked out through my willing vessel. Accepting God’s will in my life for me to work for His sake through the ministry of interpersonal relationships, has been possible only through my willingness to accept Him not only as my personal Savior, but as my Lord. As the one who fuels me- daily. As the One who sustains not only my life, but the balance of the universe- daily.
So here I am. I’ve gotten myself into a massive rut of complacency. And worst of all, I’ve found myself deeply tangled in the Olivia Pope Syndrome (as defined in one of my earlier posts) where it is easy for me to assist others in their relational endeavors, but it is most difficult and almost impossible for me to apply those same, seemingly simply, principles to my own life. It is easy for me to pinpoint disastrous relationships that other people may be entering in, or the red flags that eagerly display themselves in hopes of being noticed and promptly heeded.
This all preludes one of my biggest pitfalls I have found myself hopelessly devoted to. I have found that I have begun losing myself in the hopes of achieving the unattainable, and that has proven, on many occasions, to be something that has a grave potential to be the most disastrous decision I could ever make in my life. And that would be the pursuit of happiness through a marital bond that the Lord never ordained.
Perhaps the experiences we have been afforded in life have been for the purposes of propelling us to new spiritual heights, or have been to work out the kinks in our character to make us more like Christ, or have simply been because of our disobedience, but because the Lord is good, He always has a way of turning things around to be a blessing to you, and to each and every person that you minister to according to their needs. Perhaps, it’s because of all of the above.
I have turned over in my mind, my current dilemma many many times, and have decided not to prolong a decision that God has already told me to make. Most often, we catch ourselves entangled in soul ties that God was trying to stop from happening from the jump, but because we chose to take the route He never intended for us, we then have to answer to the challenges posed by our failed decisions. And though this is delayed obedience, I just want to say, I hear You Lord. And I trust that whatever it is that happens from this moment on, will be in Your hands.
So I write this blog not in my usual format, but as an open letter. More so for myself, but also for the person who I know will open this one day and hopefully understand what I have learned through the process. I do freely give thanks for the many lessons learned throughout this process, and for the ability to be able to understand what obedience to the Lord’s will looks like, for the trials endured, and for allowing be a full length view of the flaws in my character, but most importantly, I was able to see that it is possible to love again, and to love wholeheartedly, and without end. Love is self sacrificing. And I believe that my fleshly desires must be sacrificed in order for God to begin His process of healing and restoration in the lives of us both.
To closure. To trusting that God has our best interests in mind when He gave His final word. To the beauty of progression. To love, and to the one blog you may claim to be directly addressed to you.
Let it be written, so let it be done.
Sui Generis. 